plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Randomize
