Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
