I never want to see another naked old woman again.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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