My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
