Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Houston, we have a blender
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
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