I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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