it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
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