if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
