Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
