I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
