So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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