What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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