Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
