I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
