Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
