Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
