how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
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