The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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