I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
