oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
They past out watching a re-run of the 1984 presidential debate on cspan
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
You have to summon your inner elephant
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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