She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Randomize
