im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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