Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Randomize
