So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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