See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
I do not love him. There is no love. Only sex and meatloaf.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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