i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
