I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
