tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
