You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Randomize
