This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
