This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
Randomize
