i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
Randomize
