Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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