I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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