everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize
