so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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