Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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