Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
Randomize
