I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Just used the "Buddy" Poppy flower I got from a veteran to clean my one hitter. "I'm proud to be an American"
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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