after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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