Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
a search helicopter?!
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
