when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
