i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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