It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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