quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
