i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
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