dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I faked an abortion last night.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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