Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
