Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
you are never too drunk for berry picking
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
Randomize
