I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
Randomize
