Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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