I feel great
I just peed on a car
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
